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Thursday, January 05, 2006

Dana's Deathday

People are having very interesting insights these days.
-----------------------------------------------From Dana:
 Dear Friends,

For our anniversary Robert and I got each other satellite TV. We had
an antenna that could only receive five channels. We have been
watching a lot of science, history and geek programs. We both love
these kinds of programs. The science channel has had shows about super
volcanoes, mega earthquakes and earth's molten core. Each show told us
how the earth as we know it could be destroyed by one of the
cataclysmic occurrences.

Let me just say, I have been yelling at the TV a lot lately.
Especially with the Earth's core cooling down and dying. From the time
any of us are born we start to die. We don't know when that death day
will happen but it is inevitable.

Next Wednesday is my 50th birthday and this has had me thinking about
"not so much about the day I was born" but about what happens to the
people I love after I am gone and what can I do today to make things
easier on them. These people I am talking about are you! So this
morning it kind of all came together in this essay; Not my birthday
but my death day.

Some people may have a fear of flying in a plane; my fear or shall I
say determination is not about dying but about what I leave behind.
From the time I started to mentor people this has been on my mind. I
have wanted to develop a program that would continue to mentor you
even after I was gone, along with all the members who have not found
out about FLYing yet and are still living in CHAOS.

So this morning I got up bright and early for the Ireland Radio
Program. I had a couple of hours to think about what it is I am put on
this Earth for. This process didn't start today or last year. I began
cleaning house so to speak in 1990.

I would have never known what my legacy in dying was, if I had not
found out my purpose for living. In the quiet of my morning I was able
to hear the words that I have repeated over and over since 1990. "I

Those words helped me to clear out the clutter in my brain. You all
know the clutter I am talking about; the constant bombardment from
those voices in your head telling you to do this, that and the other
thing all at the same time. No wonder we run around and never
accomplish anything. We are trying to do it all at once. I was so used
to the constant chaos in my head that I did not know how to clear out
the mixed convoluted messages in my brain. I also had chaos and
clutter all around me. When we have so much going on in our heads we
don't even notice the noise and other pollution that is steadily
killing us.

In 1990 I needed to clear my head. I was going through a divorce and
was beaten down to the point of major depression and feeling suicidal.
The messages in my head were not nice. They continued to beat me up. I
decided that it was time to eliminate that clutter from my brain. To
do this I had to replace those negative messages with kind words, slow
down my thinking process and get comfortable living in my own skin.
Part of the process was to change my environment. I turned off the TV
and only listened to calm glorious music. I quit listening to the
news. As Kelly's mother says, if my outside are in order my inside are
in order. At the time I didn't have a handle on the physical clutter
and mess around me, well maybe I did because I moved out and only took
my car, my stereo and my goose down comforter. Having fewer things
around me did help; I can see that now but that didn't stop me from
accumulating all those things again and again. Was there an emptiness
that I was trying to fill with belongings? Hindsight is 20/20!

I did do one very important thing at this time. I started to meditate
in order to relieve the stress in my life. It was strictly for
distressing my brain. I needed to slow down my thoughts. I was so busy
in my head that it was making me sick and tired. My meditation teacher
wanted me to have some kind of mantra to say over and over as I slowed
down my breathing. I didn't want to say words that I could not
understand. I didn't even want to know what they were. It would have
only been more clutter for my brain. This is when I decided on my very
own mantra.

All I ever wanted was to feel loved. I didn't even care if my son's
father really loved me or not. I just wanted to feel loved. I decided
that if no one else was going to make me feel loved then I was going
to have to make myself feel it. Well that is pretty hard to do when
you do not feel worthy of being loved because you have been beaten
down your whole life. As Rita Davenport taught me, I began to fake it
till you make it. I picked my very own mantra. I want you to try this
with me. I will never forget the first time I did this. It felt so

I want you to slowly take in a breath through your nose. As you do, in
your mind I want you to say these words; "I L-O-V-E; now slowly exhale
through your mouth; M-Y-S-E-L-F. I want you do to this over and over
for only a few minutes the first time. Eventually you can work up to
about 15-minutes. Even just 5 minutes has an amazing result on your
body. The act of doing this is loving yourself.

As I would say these words over and over my body would begin to feel
relaxed. I was focused on my breathing and any thoughts that came into
my head other than the breathing were gently deleted and I came back
to my breathing. You can catch your mind getting sidedtracked when you
do this. It is good practice for when we are not meditating. Now don't
beat yourself up because you can't stop the other thoughts. There is
no wrong way. It is just about relaxing and slowing your brain down so
that you can actually hear yourself for the first time.

One rather inspirational thing happened while I was practicing my
breathing and loving myself. I started to know what I needed to do.
The God Breezes began to flow and I knew when to put my sails up and
allow those Breezes to guide me to where I was supposed to be and what
I was supposed to be doing. I didn't have to dissect it; I just knew.
I didn't have to be in control; I was on automatic pilot and my
instincts were being uncovered after years of having them cluttered
with the debris of a chaotic life.
From the day we are born till the day we die this journey is one of
loving ourselves so that we can love others. It is love that makes the
world go round!

I leave you with my birthday wish for you! I want you to FLY! It is
the best gift I have ever given myself. With this gift I was able to
find my purpose for living. If my death day were to happen today; I
know that I am doing what God put me here to do. Without the calm and
peaceful surrounding on the outside I would not have been able to find
it on my inside.
Portal ..

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